Esuriatus Pectus Teritus
by insaneuchiha
Summary: It all started when Kisame and Itachi decided to pull another April Fools prank on Sasuke...last time it was the psudoslaughter of their clan... this time it invovles prengancy tests, sushi and Konoha Victoria's secret scandals. mxm mxf please R&R!
1. Insomnus

**Please read this before the fanfic!**

To start off, I want you to know that you are going to be reading a **crack** fan fiction. That means, that it was not written for grammatical excellence. It was started last week when my best friend and I were visiting the Caribbean. We couldn't sleep although we were exhausted and at 2 a.m. we decided to start writing this with paper and pencil. Over the trip we continued to write until we had 44 pages of front and back fan fiction. Please understand that we wrote this for fun, not to be criticized. (Although constructive criticism is always appreciated.) Actually, it would be wonderful if you could comment and tell me what you thought

Secondly, some of the jokes you may not get if you don't watch the show **Family Guy**. There are also a few allusions to South Park and Drawn Together, so I'm sorry if you're missing out on that.

Lastly, there are a few racist remarks and 'adult language' so if that bothers you please do not read. The ethnic comments are not meant to hurt anyone's feelings (most of 'em are, as I said before, allusions to television shows that are quoted.) I am truly and sincerely sorry if any of you are offended. Between Tasuki (the person who wrote this with me) and I, we're probably from almost every ethnicity in the world. At least all the ones that are poked fun at in the fanfic. So, with that out of the way, let the story begin!

Disclaimer: Unfortunately I do not own Naruto or any of the characters in it. Someday though!

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**E.P.T. - Esuriatus Pectus Teritus**

Written by Hitomi and Tasuki

Chapter One - Insomnus

One lovely summer night in Konoha, the heir of the fierce Inuzuka Clan was off visiting dreamland. Unfortunately it was a place unlike any dimension he'd dreamt about before…

**Wednesday Night**

"Lu lu lu, let's get together…" The raven haired Uchiha pranced around stage wearing a pink flamingo print dress with a lolita like touch to it. He twirled and in turn the edge of the cloth rose to a level that would be an obscene view for anyone other than his lover; for he was not wearing any panties. He smiled decadently and continued his song "Lu lu lu…"

Kiba sat erect, covered in sweat. He'd just had one of the most disturbing dreams anyone could ever fathom. As he attempted to clear away the dripping sweat with the sheets, he unpleasantly discovered his excitement from the demented dream. Confused, he rolled over and cuddled up wit Akamaru, and went back to sleep.

Meanwhile, across town, Sasuke sat up, having had just awakened from another strange dream. "The fuck…?"

**Thursday Morning**

The next morning Kiba awoke to somewhat more pleasurable thoughts, but soon enough his mind wandered to his dreams from that previous night. He growled and stood up to stretch, releasing a yawn that even a wolf couldn't compete against. He pulled his clothes on, including a heavy jacket although it was the middle of summer in Konohagakure.

His stomach gurgling, the young Inuzuka strode drowsily over to the cupboard only to meet emptiness. "Damn…" he thought to himself. "Eh, well I guess I'll just go over to the Ichiraku Raamen and meet up with Naruto. I have to tell _someone_ about that bizarre dream."

Due to his doglike grace, Kiba reached the raamen bar within minutes, to find of course, Naruto.

"Oi, Kiba!" Naruto greeted him with a grin, slurping his raamen.

"Mornin'." He paused for a moment, confirming the decision to tell Naruto. "Ne…Naruto…I've gotta talk to you about something. You see…I had this creepy dream about Sa-"

"Hey! Sasu…ke?" Naruto saw the little Uchiha bastard, but stopped mid sentence when he saw that he was sporting a flashing pink toned dress.

**Wednesday Night**

Uchiha Itachi let out a loud sigh as he plopped down on the couch near Kisame. "Holy, Hitler! I'm bored." He groaned and rose his hand to block the random bright light that was emitted from the naked shark man. "And goddamnit Kisame, you have an Akatsuki cloak for a reason! Gah. What's the point of being so evil if I'm so bored!"

Kisame scurried to find his fluffy pink bathrobe and fasten it around his waste. "Well Itachi-san…" He was cut off by an insane Itachi holding a rather large flogger (which resembled Kisame's assraping sword) and was spanking relentlessly. "IT'S ITACHI-SAMA, SAMA YOU BASTARD!"

Kisame's eyes grew large and watery as he begged his bitchlord's forgiveness. After the matter had settled, Itachi resumed his complaining of being bored.

In an attempt to soothe his disgustingly psychotic lover, Kisame offered a suggestion. "Well Itachi-sama, we could screw around with your brother some more." He chuckled. "I mean, brainwashing everyone in your family, and then selling them to a Chinese shoe factory for a pound of rice was just wonderfully amusing. Oh! And we can't forget how you implanted those horrid memories of them all being murdered into little Sasuke-chan's mind now can we?"

"Mmm…but I've already fucked Sasuke in _every_ way possible."

Kisame became teary eyed again. "You…cheated on me Itachi-sama?"

The other rested his chin on his hand and thought for a moment. "No, no Kisame, I meant 'fucked' as in with his mind…although we did have a few intimate moments…but isn't that brotherly love?" Itachi grinned as he recalled that night where he first used the dog collar and whip. "Dog collar that's it!" The maniac jumped up with excitement. "That dog boy! Kiba I think his name was… We can screw around with him and Sasuke!"

"Oh yes, Itachi-sama! And we can have darling Sasuke-chan wear that lovely dress I gave you for your birthday last year!"

"…Uhh sure Kisame." He secretly liked to dress up in it and pose in front of the mirror like he used to do with his mother's clothing. "Ahem. Anyways, prepare some mixture for that dog boy… use your chakra to implant images of Sasuke in the dress…think up something delicious." Itachi licked his lips when he uttered the word. "And as for Sasuke, I happen to know his one weakness." He then pulled out a syringe and injected it into a chocolate bar he had lying around.

**Later That Night**

Itachi crept slowly into his brother's room, trying to repress the maniacal laughs. He carefully placed the pink dress that Sasuke was to wear, and on top was the candy bar that was so lovingly laced with acid. To top it off, he left a note which read,

_My dear Sasuke-kun,_

_Here is some fine chocolate for a fine ass. Please eat as much as you want. Be sure to emeet me at the Ichiraku raamen bar this afternoon. And it would make me so overjoyed if you wore this outfit I chose for you._

_Love, Your Puppy-boy.  
_

Itachi laughed as he leapt out the window. "Top this prank Kisame! I gotta go get my camera, no one's gonna believe that I thought of this!"

**Thursday**

Kiba's jaw dropped in sheer horror. "Gyaaaa!" he yelled so loud, that he'd waken Akamaru who'd been sleeping on his lap at the raamen bar. The small dog rose and began to wail, joining his partner in sound. "What the _hell_ is going on?" he managed to stutter as he pointed at the man in the pink dress.

Sasuke took no time in bouncing over to the raamen stand, and smiling at the dog boy. If Kiba hadn't been startled enough, he was now as he looked into the face of a joyful feminine Uchiha.

"Ah, Kiba-kun! I've been looking for you all over, my little puddle of love!"

Kiba took a step backwards, the sweetness was too much to bear. "I've really gotta stop eating those Wholy Earth dog biscuits! I think they added something to them…" It seemed that perhaps some crazy hippy had laced them with LSD.

His thoughts were then shattered when Sasuke leaped into his arms. "May I have more chocolate dear?"

"What are you talking about? I have no damn chocolate!" Kiba tried to shove him off to no avail.

Chapter 1 - End.

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My parents own an all organic Dog Food & Biscuit Shop. Whenever other dogs sample our biscuits, they become a bit 'happy'. My father is also an uber hippy. XD if you want, check out our site for giggles and snorts. (no this isn't advertisement, it's just amusing :D)

know the skipping to different times was a bit confusing, but I liked it somewhat. Please comment and tell me what you think! 3


	2. Ante Mare

-1**Before you read!**

This chapter contains shonen-ai…well this whole fic does. ; But this chapter has mentions of a sexual scene, although it isn't too graphic. So if that bothers you…perhaps skip the last few paragraphs?

Note: This chapter was originally written by my partner in crime, Tasuki, and edited/typed by moi. So credit her for this :D (unfortunately she doesn't have account )

**Chapter 2**

Ante Mare

Sasuke smiled up at Kiba, wrapping one arm around his neck and bringing the other to a pocket on his dress. "Ne, Kiba-kun, this note states you gave me chocolate and this darling dress!" He glanced down getting lost in the bright colorful patterns.

Meanwhile, Naruto could only stare, wondering what to say. Eventually he spoke up. "Sasuke, you ok? Your eyes look a little weird."

Sasuke was still for a moment, then turned, stood up and began to thrust his hips, arms in the air singing. "MY MILKSHAKE BRINGS ALL THE BOYS TO THE YARD! DAMN RIGHT, IT'S BETTER THAN YOURS!" Naruto's jaw dropped, eyes widening.

Due to the clamor, Kiba looked up from the letter to see Sasuke gyrating his hips in tune. "OH DEAR GOD. Let's get you out of here right now before anyone else sees you like this!" The dog boy downed his drink with haste, threw some money on the bar and stood up, grabbing the insane Uchiha in a hurry. They dashed to Sasuke's apartment, for it was closed to the raamen bar, and Kiba couldn't stand to be seen by his proud mother or sister with the maniac.

Hiding behind the fence outside the Ichiraku Raamen, a slight snicker and the clicking of the camcorder-off button could be heard. "This is gonna be good!" thought Kisame. He needed to save the battery for things to come.

Kiba finally reached Sasuke's home, throwing the crazed Uchiha, who currently thought he was a cat, into the house.

"Nyaao!" he cried as he landed hard upon the wooden floor. "Kiba-kun, I am a kitty. Don't you want to chase me?"

The other's teeth clenched together, a wolf like snarl forming on his face. "Listen. I do **not** want to chase you. Go-" He all of a sudden felt a daze over himself, and his head began to spin. His vision faded in and out, when his eyes fell on Sasuke. But, instead of the regular angst prince, he saw a darling cat boy, sporting ears and a tail. Kiba glanced down at his hands, only to find fuzzy paws instead. "What the- …huh. I guess I'm really a dog now." He grinned. "Guess I should chase you then, eh Sasuke?" He dashed towards the now frightened 'Kitty-suke' at full speed.

"Mraooo!"

From behind the bushes, flashes emitted from a camera and snickering we audible.

"This is the best idea ever Itachi-sama!" Kisame giggled as he set up the TV outside the house. Wires attached to several cameras lovingly placed inside the house (including bathrooms and bedrooms n) ran out the partially cracked sliding door and hooked up to the monitor where the Akatsuki members were sitting.

Finished with the hook ups, Itachi appeared next to his little fish bitch. "So they're quite a pair, huh?" He watched as his brother was man handled by the dog boy.

"Mmm…yes Itachi-sama. Seems it's making you happy too, my little candy man."

Itachi looked over at the queer fish thing, a slight glare in his eyes. "What the _hell_ do you mean, you horny slice of salmon?"

A grin spread across Kisame's face as he placed his hand on the large lump on the Uchiha's jacket. "Well, is that a kunai or are you just happy to see me?" He leaned in for a kiss and possibly more, only to meet metal.

"Kisame you dumb ass, it IS a kunai."

Embarrassed, he looked away, blushing slightly. "Oh…I see." There was a pause. "Hey, Itachi?"

The raven haired psycho turned to face him. "What is it my little California roll?"

Kisame then reached a hand out to his lover's cheek, placing it gently on him and began to sing. "I'll take you to my candy shop, I'll let you lick my lollipop, keep going 'til you hit the spot…"

"Woah." They both exclaimed in unison, both complexions flushing to crimson.

"You know that song always gets to me. But…last time I licked your lollipop it tasted like caviar."

Kisame balled up his fist and turned away. "Itachi, you stupid bastard, I couldn't help it! I was in heat!" he blurted out and began to sob.

Noticing that he'd hurt his partner's feelings, Itachi scooted closer to the sexy shark bait. "Hey look, I'm sorry baby. I love caviar!" He slowly began to trail his fingers against the blue skin exposed by Kisame's opened trench coat.

Wiping away his tears, shark man looked into the other's eyes. "You…you mean it?"

He nodded and began to kiss Kisame passionately.

"Oh Itachi-sama, you make me feel like a virgin all over again!" He joyously revealed as he was slowly laid onto his back, jacket removed. Itachi smirked as he took his time traveling downward on his shark bitch, who currently smelled like fresh nori on a delicious piece of sushi. It turned him on like a young lesbian who'd just found naked pictures of Anko. (Not that he was! -wink wink-)

"I want to hear you beg bitch!" he growled as he unzipped Kisame's pants.

"Oh, please Itachi-sama! I need my hook in your mouth! My tadpole in your nice pond to lie in! My eel needs your cave to hide in!"

"Good boy." Was the last thing he heard before he was engulfed by his controlling master.

All Itachi could think of was the ocean waves breaking against the roof of his mouth as Kisame exploded inside of him. He smiled, until the screen caught his eye. "Shit Kisame! Clean up and tuck in your calamari, Sasuke and Kiba aren't on any of the screens!" Before the fish man could even sit up, the Uchiha was gone.

Alone in the yard with over 34 TV screens, he hummed 'Candy Shop' to himself.

Fin.

So what'd you think? I cannot stress enough that commenting/reviewing makes me happy. Please share your thoughts on the fic:D


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